Satirical Essays

So for the past few weeks in my English class, we've been reading hilariously satirical essays to show the use of fallacies in arguments.  For example, in Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal, he goes off on how to solve the Irish starvation and overbearing population problems, they should fatten up babies and sell them to the English as a delectable food.  Another essay explains that to be a good debater you have to be drunk, upend objects like tables, and compare your opponent's ideas to sounding suspiciously like Hitler.

Anyway, after reading all these fallacious arguments, how could we resist making some of our own?  So here I give you my "modest proposal" addressing the problem of global warming. 

Going Green

   As we live today in a world solely focused on technological advancements, the human race has been putting off the specific problem of Global Warming for decades now.  However, now with looming threats of flooding from melting of the polar ice caps, mankind has finally turned to face this problem.  But the true question is not how we stop Global Warming; it is how we embrace global warming.  Why spend so much money and brain effort on trying to stop a natural shift in the Earth’s temperature?  It’s inevitable to happen and anyone who says otherwise is just deluding himself.  But wait!  Before you give up on life and start writing your obituaries, turn an ear for my solution to our impending fate.

    The main problem with Global Warming is that the polar ice caps are melting, correct?  That’s not not a problem, it’s an asset!  My suggestion is to build a plethora of floating cities that can sustain many of the life forms living on Earth.  Some increasing problems for the world in this past generation have been increasing crime rates, wars, and overbearing population.  My idea of constructing a set of a dozen or so giant cities and letting nature run it’s course and flood all continental land masses will easily solve all of these issues.  If man allows the caps to flood, then the wars and rebellions spread throughout the world will cease.  Humanity as a whole will strive in working together to build these colossal cities with the latest technologies to make them float on water.  Life will be considerably better for the people on the cities.  Education for one will diversify and become infinitely more interesting.  Rather than simply learning about ancient Egypt or the fall of Rome, school field trips will be to scuba dive and explore these ancient, suddenly accessible cities.  The remaining tip of Mt. Everest left sticking out of the water will become a popular tourist destination as people flock to the only slice of dry land left after the flood.

    Now, of course not all of the population of the Earth will fit on these man made continents.  But rather than imitating the biblical flood where all those left on the land drowned, scientists have discovered a way to ensure the survival of the underwater humans.  For the past 7 years, America’s leading scientist, Clark Gabeson, has been developing a formula to live and breath underwater, even at high pressure areas like the bottom of the ocean.  The only side effect is the for the skin to turn yellow and develop into a spongy consistency while the host develops a strange affinity to living in giant Pineapples under the sea.  These groupings of  underwater humans will stay on the land and grow seaweed and kelp to help feed the colonies living on the floating cities.  Similarly to the Turritopsis nutricula jellyfish which can live immortally due to its life within the deep sea, these sponge like humans will have a greatly increased life span and solve many cures such as AIDs and Cancer with their new physiology.

    However, these are only temporary ideas to keep the human race alive.  The real reason is simply a delay tactic.  By flooding the Earth, then living on cities over the water for a few centuries, this gives the land a chance to heal from pollution and human influences.  By the time the water dies down and mankind can once again place their feet on dry soil, the world will have replenished its natural resources and we can start humanity from the beginning.  Of course if the earth is too damaged from the human race, we can simply build star-ships based off the blueprints of The Enterprise to find a new planet suitable to contain human life.