How to Ask Out a Girl
One blustery autumn day, the leaves on the trees fall, swirling into a
sunbeam that pierces the school windows and pools upon a girl with
shining auburn hair. As she walks down the hallways, all the boys stop
to stare as she passes. Up ahead behind a corner, a short boy in a
plaid shirt, pocket protector, and glasses, takes deep breaths. As the
girl nears the corner of the hallway, the boy steps out and shakily
asks, “W..w..will you go out with me?” Not hesitating in her step, the
girl gives him a look akin to one looking at a talking toad. “You’re
kidding, right?” she states contemptuously as she walks past him, not
sparing a second glance. The boy slumps dejectedly against the wall as
tears begin to stream down from behind his glasses...
* * *
Okay, stop. This is not
what you want to have happen to you. First of all, what gives that boy
in the paragraph above any hope that a girl like her will ever go out
with a guy like him? The answer is...nothing. At that point, there is nothing
that boy could have done to get the girl of his dreams to go out on a
date with him. But that’s because he wasn’t prepared. Now, if you are
facing a similar situation, before you give up entirely and turn emo,
writing depressing poems about lost love, hearken to my words of advice,
for they may be able to save you.
Before you start with my instructions, you need to get in your head
that, if you’re reading this essay, you probably don’t have what it
takes to properly ask out a girl. If you truly have your heart set on
asking out some bimbo that doesn’t know how to tell time if it’s not on a
digital clock, then you’re going to have to change your entire
approach. Not just your approach, but the very core of your being.
First of all, check out your wardrobe. It’s time to get rid of those
plaid shirts and pocket protectors! Take note that clothes have a very
different thought process for guys. Men think that the way to ask out a
girl is to wear a black leather jacket and a white shirt simply because
that’s “cool.” But what makes black and white so cool? The only
reason clothes are important when asking out a girl is because they
immediately judge those they see on how their clothes complement each
other. This is the reason nerds never get the girl. I mean, what
outfit would complement a plaid shirt with a pocket protector? One main
reason the “bad boys” always
get the girls is because they constantly wear only black and white.
And as we all know, black and white are neutral colors that go well
with any outfit.
Secondly, you need to check your attitude. If you’ve been raised in a
nice, average family, you might have heard that girls like nice guys.
This is wrong! It’s only a rumor planted into children’s heads to
prevent teen pregnancy. The truth is that girls love the
jerks of society. Chivalry is dead! Just look around your school and
you’ll see that all the guys with bad attitudes who talk back in class
and treat women like they belong in the kitchen have girlfriends. Then
take a gander at all the boys who are good students with 4.0 GPAs, open
doors, and pull out chairs for girls are heartbrokenly “forever alone.”
Third is transportation. It’s impossible to impress a girl on your
brand new $500 electric mountain scooter. It just won’t happen. A 1968
Camaro, now we’re talking. Glass-pack, headers, roller hydraulic
lifters, race cams, chrome alloy rims, sound system stereo,
supercharged; in other words, pure tuned hawtness. The point of having
such a pompous car is quite obvious. Just like the peacock who flaunts
his magnificent tail feathers, such are pubescent boys in impressing a
girl. The girl will automatically drift to whoever’s car is the most
pimping. They can’t help it. It’s just part of their subconscious
animal going to the most impressive specimen.
Lastly, music has a generous role to play. To show your confidence,
you’ve got to blast your speakers to the point that weak windows will
shatter as you drive down the highway. However, you won’t impress
anyone but your mother if you project classical Beethoven's 9th into
the homes of everyone within a 3 mile radius. No, what you want
are those heavy metal/screamo bands that come with labels warning of
seizures and an immediate drop of IQ. The sort of music (if you can
call it such) that has the local dogs harmonizing with your speeding car
racing through suburban neighborhoods. Luckily for you, this is one
chance you get to choose for yourself. It doesn’t matter which screamo
band you choose, because they all sound the same.
So here we are. See how my advice is worth listening to? Rather than
awkwardly stalk a girl in the hallways on the zero likelihood of humbly
asking her out on a date, choose the better approach. If you screech up
to the school curb with leather jacket flaring, camaro flashing, music
blaring, and dogs harmonizing, there is no way on earth that any girl
can physically refuse to go out on a date with you.
